It came as quite a shock to a fairly sheltered young man like myself. For days I tried to deny it. The first step was to blame the liberal media for making up slanderous stories about a truly great man. But it didn't add up. What could those swine in such far left news outlets as Fox and ABC have against this visionary songwriter to make up such intricate lies. We're not talking your run of the mill gossip here- no this isn't the kind of thing that one can take lightly. And besides, the media's so busy busting W's balls and aiding the terrorists that they wouldn't have much reason to make this up. Even my faith diminished when I saw the video confession. There he was sat on a leopard skin couch and wearing knee high Doc Martin Boots... This wasn't the Lil John I had grown to love through such Krunk Klassics as 'Get Crunk' and the deceptively simple 'Damn!'. This wasn't the sensitive mind behind 'Put Yo Hood Up'. But before my eyes here he was, a tear rolling down his saintly face, stuttering and ashamed. There could be no doubt that this was the Lil John- the most potent mind of the twenty first century- and what he had to say has still got me messed up.
I quote: 'Over the recent days there's been- YEAH- some allegations made - CRUNK!!!- about- YEAH!!!- my -MOVE THAT ASS BITCH!!!- character. Its been a hard- CRUNK!!!- time for me -YEAH!!!- and many of those who I thought- ITS A PARTY!!!- I could trust have deserted me. Its not easy for me, Lil John creator of Crunk Juice (Registered Trade Mark YEAH BITCH!!! GET LOW!!!) to come out and admit it but its gone on to long. I've got to say this shit even if its hurts. I have been known- ALRIGHT- to enjoy the tactile pleasure of touching ham.'
That was the exact moment that my life fell apart. My idol, the namesake of my first three children, admitting to stroking and even caressing slices of lunch meat. Sure he joins other to come out- only recently Thurston Moore had made a similar confession, but he's an unashamed avant garde wierdo why wouldn't he stroke the ham? And the bass player from Panic at the Disco was sacked for his penchant for sniffing canned ham and pork(it certainly wasn't because of his oddly porportioned body, tight trousers and ridiculous haircut.)- but this was Lil John, poet laureate of the crunk generation.
Denial soon gave way to attempts at reason. Perhaps it wasn't so bad. So I began doing what I usually do- following the example of rappers no matter how questionable the actions. Just as I had shot my grandmother when I discovered Tupac, raped a baby when they put away R Kelly and intentionally contracted AIDS when Easy E died, I now began buying as much ham as I could- and stealing it when I could afford no more. I started nice and slow, quick brushes of the hand when no one was looking. Before long I was up out of control- I made and entire suit out of Bernard Matthew's wafer thin ham slices and rolled around for hours on my stoop. My ham habit was sending me under, I could wear my ham briefs to my work and noone even suspected my pleasure. For a while at least. There's only so long a man can get away with rubbing ham against his genitals in public places and as my use got out of control my life went into tail spin. I woke up in a jail cell- I don't even know how long I'd been gone but judging from the advanced stage of sliced ham cold turkey I'd have to guess three days.
It may seem like fun to you at the time, your heroes may do it and it might be the only way to get a record contract. But please do your self a favour DO NOT TOUCH HAM. Thats right even when you see Jay Kay rubbing his face against a handful of processed pig or watch Flavor Flav stuff an entire joint of Wiltshire's finest down his down his trousers, you must try and resist. Its just not worth it.
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